Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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