last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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