Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
