this beer tastes like vomit already
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
