But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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