i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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