I think i peed on brittanys purse
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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