Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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