If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Less talking, more tequila
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
