Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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