I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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