Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
