I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
