you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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