I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
