why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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