Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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