Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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