saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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