At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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