My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think I won the penis lottery.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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