I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
