yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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