The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
