We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
