I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Drunk is not a location!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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