Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
