the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
