Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
