I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
