Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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