After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
