Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
