Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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