One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
