You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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