dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
