My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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