i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
