I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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