Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
