so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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