i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Randomize
