You can't special order awesome
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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