I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
