we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
