I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
