he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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