Betty ford says i'm here all night
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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