guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
