I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
